Hello,
It’s 2021 and a pandemic and my website is still here. Each year rolls over and I pay the domain fee to keep it, sometimes wondering why, often not thinking about it at all.
You see, in 2018 I pulled back from writing. In fact, I put a full stop on it.
It was August and I had completed two drafts of a second novel, written quickly since January with the aim of trying to bounce off the back of my debut, which had been published in 2016. My publishers had shown such confidence in me that they had offered me a deal I felt pride in. However, it would be true to say I let desire overcome judgement and I soon found myself in a knot of tight production timelines not befitting the proper development of the work I wanted to produce.
I felt a pressure to publish again and publish quickly. I felt a desire to show that I could turn around two drafts in months, that I could show off my talent by writing in a different style and a different genre, that I could enter into the mind of a deeply damaged character and create an intricately plotted story and do all of this without causing some damage to myself.
I piled on too much pressure and I did do myself damage. There is a long and complex story to be written around that but for now I will focus on the beautiful part. At some point in that time when I felt as though I were drowning, I found the strength to love myself more than my manuscript and more than my pride. I had business contracts and relationships that were important but I knew that none of those things were worth more than my own health. And so, with the support of my agent and my publisher, I set the novel aside and repaid the advance. I gave up my studio writing space, turned off the lap top.
For the first time, since I can remember, I had no desire to write. The strange thing is it wasn’t crushing. Instead, it was a weight lifted because I had made a decision, perhaps the first in my life, that was not about desire for others’ approval.
The strange thing that happened is, not long after this decision, I received a phone call out of the blue…. It led to the most fulfilling work role of my life.
Leaving this here.
